Ripples...

Be aware of what we do...
Be aware of how we carry out ourselves...
Be aware of what we say...

Read an Article about sometimes we influenced or affect people in an unconscious way...

Just like standing at the traffic light and you look up the sky and stare for 5mins...
Everyone around you would follow you to check out the sky as well...
Though it only affected them for just a few seconds...
But the point is... it did kinda "influenced" the others...

So... even the smallest thing that we do in our lives...
It does influence or have some sort of impact to someone, something, somehow... We just didn't notice only...

Visitors

A lot of loving, kind, caring people would love to visit me...
They care a lot, that's why they want to do so, so much...

I can see their love and care and they wished to help and show support...
I want to accept and make them feel happy for doing something nice for me...
Yet I don't know how to handle the other part...

Which is... their worries, helpless feeling as they know they could only do so much...
And seeing me also hurts them inside and worries them...
And I'll start to feel terrible and would start to cry...
Because I don't want them to feel this way at all...

I still don't know yet how to deal with this...
Hmmm...

Ready?

I think I am ready... if my time is going to come soon...
I somehow do wish my time would come sooner than later...
So that I would leave more peacefully without having to deal with more...
I know now is just the "beginning" of the long journey as there will be tougher time ahead... that's why part of me wished that if I could leave now, it would be great...

Then I started to think about maybe I could do something to make it happens more faster? Like taking my own control (yeah back to the "control" self again!)...

But then I slowly reaslised that... I should not "wished" anything or "expected" anything... Should wake up and feel thankful that I'm alive everyday, and make the fullest of the day... Instead of wishing that I could leave soon just to avoid suffering...

If my time has came naturally, and if it could end all suffering (myself and people around me)... that would be absolutely wonderful...

But If I were meant to go through more tougher journey ahead, I should also deal with it because it was meant to be...

Now, I could still give, and contribute and do more good things here...
I am still learning... I could still practice to be a better person...
I still have things that I could do to lighten up some responsibilities of people around me...
I could still help... I could still offer... I could still do so many things...

I feel better today! =)

Give Them A Chance

I think I was a "Control Freak"...
I like things to be under my control (who doesn't?)...

But sometimes, we do need to stop taking control...
We have to stop thinking we are always right and take away the rights from others..

Sometimes, we do need to let others taking control and decide...
So that they get the chance to show what they are thinking and feeling too...

Without the chance...
They are not able to express and show it...

Not Afraid to Accept Help

I used to deal with things myself and sort them out myself... I thought that would make me "independent" and "tough" and "strong"...

Nobody likes to be "weak" and "incapable"... Getting help from others would make us feel that way, I guess??

I have learned to see things differently after talking to mum...

She said, sometimes we have to allow others to "help" us when we needed... We have to "let" people care about us and "give" us the support they could... By allowing others to help us, their day would be more meaningful and that would make them happy too... and they'll have good karma next time...

Just a different perspective for you to consider when you're feeling down... or need any support or help... you know if you reach out your hands... someone will always be there...

---

A friend (Chuan) emailed this little piece of story that relates to the above:

"一天， 佛陀在托钵时，一婆罗门来找佛陀辩论，声称为何僧团不自吃其力，没有耕种，而要去托钵。

佛陀答曰，我所讲的法就是播种，把善法种在众生的八识田中，我让众生种福田，就是在帮忙灌溉，点醒众生的迷惑，就是得到的收成，那我不也是自吃其力吗? 把佛法传给四周围的人，叫做法布施。

当我们制造机会给被人行善时，我们也是在布施。
我们在增长他们的慈悲心，增长他们的体悟和福报，识可而止，不然就会变成贪得无厌。"

DESK - 2

Hope you had some thoughts after reading my previous post... hehe
Hope the answer also sorta make a little sense to you...

"All that we are is the result of what he have thought;
it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts."

DESK

Up for a challenge?

Imagine you're sitting in front of a beautiful DESK which is made by wood..
So we called that thing a DESK yeah?

Okay, now... if we dismantle the DESK into pieces of wood...
Do we still call it/them a DESK?
What is it then if it no longer a DESK?
So DESK doesn't actually exist, or does it?

Imagine all the things around us...
Do they actually exist and how?

That's your homework tonight... *muahahaha*...

Journey

I have always been troubled by why things haven't actually "kicked in"...
I mean, look at Lance Armstrong, Oliver Newton John and others who actually done so much after THAT experience... They are doing more "meaningful" things and their life changed totally...

Mine was different... I was troubled and always questioned myself why nothing "kicks in" yet... Why everything still "the same"... Why I was still "no aims" in my life.... and I was still so "Easy-Go-Lucky"? ....

Finally this time it did... a BIG one too!

That's why I am glad that I'm able to go through this so called "journey" to "grow"... to "improve"... to "realise" things I never did... to "see" things I never saw before... to "deal" with things that I ignored... to "regret" the things that I have done... to "learn" the things that I thought I knew but I didn't... and lots and lots... A whole new learning curve and journey and perspective...

Anyway, I'm thankful and grateful that I am giving the chance to deal with all the difficult things in order to experience LIFE in this journey... I am given the chance to "learn" and to "grow" and that's quite important to me because I think it's "worth" living in this way... Wisdom usually grows from "living" and "learning" to deal with things... =)

Hey, do I sound like I'm SMARTER now? ...
(NOT!!! ...I'm still confused as...!!)
I know I know... my blog has been a bit SERIOUS lately... =)

Well, I'm going through this so-called "JOURNEY" now... It's your choice of freedom to read or not to read... but I thought I should be opened and be honest to my feelings and hence I share my experience and feelings here with you all... that simple only...

Slowing Down...

Feeling very confused today...
It has been a ROLLER COASTER ride the past few weeks...

I think I tried to fit too much into my brain and trying to learn as much as I could during the short period of time... and I think I started to have a bit of "side effects" now... I'm actually forgetting things that I should do during my day (at times!)... Things that I have read, I knew I have read them and understood them while I was reading, but they still look so "new" to me when I read them again NOW... as if the feeling of "Ahh, I knew this but now it all made sense again"...

I need to slow down now...
I need to take my time...
I need to let myself rest...
I need to relax...
I need to have my own space...
I need to have my own peacefulness...

We always rush through our days... everyday...
Never slow down to give ourselves some Private Time to BREATH...

So how's your day TODAY? ...
Did you do something that worth you saying you have fully lived "today"? ................

Law of Attraction & Buddism

Somehow... Some reason...
I felt that there's some kinda "connection" between the two...
Anyway, both helped me through my tough times!

I think Law of Attractions do make sense yet doesn't go any further to "explain" more about the things "behind" its reason...

And Buddhism has the answer to it all....

Everyone believes in KARMA... but how many actually believes in it and start practicing and learning more? ...Very few... Why are we so ignorant???

No Expectation leads to Appreciation

[backdated post - 27/6/08]

I was given some HOPE...
When there was HOPE, there comes EXPECTATIONS...

So I expected people around me doing the RIGHT thing to meet my EXPECTATION... The RIGHT thing is based on MY own measurement of course...

Well, people around me seems to do everything as NORMAL but not putting any MORE... They doesn't seem to participate much on what I wanted to ACHIEVE... I started to feel disappointed because I thought they care about these too that's why they are here? ...And I started to be UNHAPPY because they are not helping/putting any more effort at all...

Sound so familiar...?
I'm sure everyone has this experience all the times...
I was in the same shoes the other day...

I let go of my "Expectation" straight away...
Don't expect anyone to help me...
Don't expect anyone to put anymore extra effort...
Don't expect anyone to do more than they already have...
Don't expect any HOPE that is so vague...

If there's no Expectations...

When people are not helping you... You won't mind...
When people not putting any extra effort... You won't care...
When people not doing more than they already have... You relax...
When Expectation is not there... You don't even try to "measure" how much the others is putting in....

If there's no Expectations...

When people offer to help... You will feel grateful...
When people are putting normal effort... You'd feel thankful...
When people are putting more than already have...

When Expectation is not there... It will only leads to Appreciation...

One Day...

I friend read my blog and said I have a lot to WHINE nowadays...
Hmmm... Does all my posts these days sound like a "whine" to you all?
Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like that at all...

Well, for a change...
Here's something to share without much blah-blah-blah from me...
(Note: the below is actually from a forwarded email I received today).


Be nice to
others because . . .

Time will make a
difference!

One day, you may not be the "Big Dog"!!

...but just the old dog...

Just Do It...

I have met so many beautiful, kind, generous, and helpful people these days... Their support and help is not something a "thank you" could express/repay... I truly don't know how to thank them enough... it'll never be enough... ever...

Anyway, something about me you should know about...

I was "numb" about my life for so long... I didn't have a purpose in life... I didn't have a direction to where / what I wanna be... I always thought what's the fuss with life and everything when we will be left "nothing" when we die anyway? ...So I just live my life daily "to the fullest" without any plans, without any purpose as I thought that was THE WAY of "living life to the FULLEST"...

Yet there's a little voice in me always remind me that... I could only find my "purpose of life" if I LIVE for someone else... I know I was "numb" about my life because I didn't know how to live for myself... I didn't know what I want..... and I didn't know what I wanna be... and hence I didn't know how to live for myself... but if I have someone (be it a baby, a lover or husband, elderly people, etc) whom I wanna commit to care for, I will then have a purpose (or something like that I guess)... I always knew that in me... I always knew there's part of me wanna go out there to care for others and contribute and help...

What stop me from making it happen? ...LAZINESS....

Now I am getting all these helps/support from these people who actually contribute their TIME, their profession, their strength and their love to care for the needs... I feel so bad and ashamed of myself whenever I see them because it reminds me of my own LAZINESS in the past...

Because of LAZINESS, I didn't get to help others in the past at all (eventhough I had the thoughts of being a social worker or do some charity work, but without true "action", it's still mean NOTHING at all... even the "thoughts" couldn't be taking into consideration)... Shame on me!!!

So friends... If you have thought of doing something special for others...
Take action and JUST DO IT...
Don't let LAZINESS drag you to nowhere land...

What Should I Do?

What should I do when others are complaining about work and people?
I didn't know what to do...

I mean, I wanted to tell them not to get too stressed and complain about things, and try to see the positive side of all and enjoy life instead of dwell on the problems... and we have "control" on our own happiness (if only we remember we CAN actually make decision and it's not always the case of "we don't have any choices"... We do have choices, but we are "too afraid" to "take control" and "make the decision ourselves" at most time and therefore we "blame" others and "complains" about our work/life sux!)...

Anyway, as others were complaining and complaining... I was thinking what should I do? ...Should I say something (but I wasn't unable to because it' would take a long time for me to explain my thoughts... and at the moment I don't have that luxury to do so due to shortness of breath)...

So I sat there and listen to all the stories (okay, there were times I got carried away too while listening and responded [laughed/smiled] to all those stories... and that may also "encourage" the talker to complain more)... which I then realised I should show LESS "response" to "discourage" the talker (maybe that way she wouldn't keep on complaining and go on and on?)... hmmm...

Well, after hours of listening to non-stop complaining from someone... I noticed my "impatience" feeling started to resurface again (which I mentioned in my previous blog)... I acknowledge it and I managed to get rid of it by appreciating someone actually visiting me and sharing their feelings with me... That simply and that easy...

But in the mean time... another question aroused...
Why do I always feel "impatience"? ...What is my "rush"? ...Why can't I get rid of it once and for all and be perfect? ...Is there a way at all?

BEAUTY In ALL of us....

There's an old Chinese saying, "人之初, 性本善"... meaning "Human is born with pure and good nature"... I'm sure the pure and good nature is still living deep down inside all of us...

But as we grow older, we are "polluted" by all the temptations in this world... and we started to develop more bad habits, imperfect personality & character, and frame of mind...

Therefore, contemplation of our own thoughts, feelings, and self-examination is a very important process if we want to become a "better person" or "reach back to our pure/good nature"...

...............

This morning, I have planned how I would spend my morning before I even got up from bed... and as I was having my breakfast, mom joined me and she started to talk to me and share some of her stories with me... As I was listening to her, I started to think about my own plans too (because I wanted to do other things)... and then I started to feel a little "impatience"... and just as the "feeling of impatience" surfaced, I straight away have "AWARENESS" that I am actually placing "MYSELF" first before others... as it's all about "ME, ME, ME"...

Being "Me Me Me" or "being Selfish" will always bring out the imperfection of us... Like I was thinking about "Myself" today and I BECAME "impatient"... and being "impatience" will certainly lead to other feelings or actions (ie. started to feel "unhappy" and may start to say some "unpleasant" things to stop the others from talking more, or etc? ...i don't know??)

Anyway, I am glad that I have been in touch with my AWARENESS of my own actions and feelings these days, and I reflected myself and my feelings and my actions daily...

I am glad that I was able to acknowledge the "impatient feeling" I had, and able to reflect myself immediately... and straight away I was feeling great and start to APPRECIATE and TREASURE the special moment with mum... and listen and be part of her experiences... just because I know I will put her before me... =)

..................

So friends, take some time to reflect yourself from time to time...
To understand and to improve yourself...

TO GIVE (布施)

I'm sure everyone of us have done a lot of DONATIONS ($$$) previously to help others... That is one type of "GIVING"...
Feel great when we know we are doing some good things to help others, isn't it??

Well, in everyday life... We should also learn to GIVE whenever there's a chance...
We don't have to always donate money to be able to HELP others at all...
We only need to always "PUT OTHERS BEFORE YOU"...

For example...
...Help your family doing some house works, or grocery shopping...
...Working hard not for your own status/bank balance, but for the benefits of the company & society...
...Sharing your experience/knowledge with others (ie, cooking, reading)...
...Be there for those who is sad, or who needs someone to listen to...
...Help the elderly carrying things...
...Do some extra work for your colleagues or friends...
...

I'm sure there's other things that you are able to GIVE in your daily lives....
Please do GIVE when you can, and put others before you always....

GIVE

Since young, I have always knew that... We all will die one day, and nothing is "REAL" in this world... That kinda "thoughts" lead me to become a person who is so CAREFREE and doesn't bother to take life that seriously (ie. educations, career, life and etc)... I was thinking WHY take it so seriously when $$$, career and states would mean nothing when we die someday?

Well, I think I was wrong... Yes nothing will last when we die... but that doesn't mean we should live our life routinely... and meaninglessly... (wake up, work, entertaining, eat, sleep and repeats)...

Yes, we cannot bring anything over after we die... but we will still leave our "footsteps" for the others... We still can give LOVE and HELP and contribute some time to help the poor and the people who needs your help... It'll make a difference ... Even plant a TREE during the weekend would benefits the future...

So have you thought of contributing tiny bit of your time, to do something GOOD tand MEANINGFUL to add onto your routine life? ...Remember, your tiny contribution may be someone else' great relief or you might be able to save life (ie. blood donation or etc)... There's lots of ways to help and give... find your own comfortable ways.... =)

Yes we cannot bring nothing when we die... but we can LEAVE something good in this world for the others... that's the very least we could do, I guess? ....

TIME

How much TIME have you wasted everyday on things that didn't matter?
How much TIME have you wasted when you felt a bit LAZY and not doing anything?
How much TIME have you wasted in the past, which perhaps may have brought you a better "now" or "tomorrow"? (ie. you didn't wanna contribute some time to exercise for 30mins each day to keep you fit and healthy in the future)...

TIME is something I realised I don't have enough of...
And I regret that I wasted so much TIME on unnecessary things...
And I regret being LAZY and always DRAG things till "next time"...
And I regret not fully utilized the TIME I had before to do the things that I should have done...
TIME will passes by today if you do not use them TODAY...

I guess you all already know and always says life is short and should enjoy our life to the FULLEST... and I'm sure everyone has their own ways to find happiness and how to enjoy life to the fullest... but please "stop" and think about whether the "enjoyment" is meaningful?

How many people actually "WASTED TIME" on enjoyment that is meaningless?
Have they thought about the REAL MEANING of LIFE and know "How To Enjoy Life with the Purpose of your Life"...

THANK YOU & SORRY.. from the bottom of my heart

Thank you for all the support and love from all of you...
I'm sorry I haven't taken care of myself well enough and made you all worry about me...

Please forgive me, and please accept my sincere apology...
I have received so much love, help, and care from everyone of you...
But I have not done much for any of you at all during all these years...
I sincerely wished I had done more and give more to all of you...

I didn't plan my life well...
I have wasted awful lot of times on the things that's NOT important...
I complained about small things and people whom I should be thankful of...
I was lazy and I didn't ACTION on the things that I knew I should do...
I hurt people who loves me and brought them troubles...
I was ignorant... I was selfish... and I was stupid...
I hope you would NOT follow my footsteps...

Most important I realised... is...
FAMILY is the ONLY ones who will be there NO MATTER WHAT...
LOVE your family dearly...
Treat your PARENTS well and respect them...

Anyway, please do take some time to reflect your life now, and...
Try to figure out WHAT exactly is YOUR purpose of life...
Look around you, the friends and your family... love them...

Well, enough for today for now... =)

Love you all,
Mandy

Another Option

[ secret garden ] song from secret garden

I reached work at 10am because I had trouble breathing in the morning and everything I did have to be slooooow motion... Pushed myself to go to work because I wanted to hand in my resignation letter...

Anyway, it turns out that I'll be taking 2 months off from work instead of resigning.
I'll concentrate on my treatment once it started next week.

Company doesn't want me to worry too much about work at the moment and offered to let me take as long leave as I needed... Very supportive and kind of them...

Initially planned to leave work at 2pm after that's been settled.. but I ended up leaving work at 530pm due to too many things to handover to others and etc... Didn't even manage to talk to a few close colleagues from other Dept regarding my sudden "leave" (even though it's not a good-bye at all)...

It's a relief that I don't have to think about work for now...